[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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wtf management?!
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman