[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I can’t deal with men any longer
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb