[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.