[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You Might Also Like
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
black phone good