Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?