°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The real reason evolution started..😂
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.