[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.