[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?