Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*pronounces fake like saké*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’