[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
my retirement plan is braless
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.