[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
You Might Also Like
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
plant them where lol
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.