All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Care for your back
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.