The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
You Might Also Like
Life with a cat in one tweet
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Breaking news:
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.