[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.