*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
You Might Also Like
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Not helping
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
consequences, the bane of my existence
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.