[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
You Might Also Like
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.