At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.