At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I cannot stop laughing at this
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today