At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Mouse
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.