I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke