At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
work smarter, not harder
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?