@markleggett: At some point, male "pick-up artists" are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
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@fro_vo: Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers? Me: idk i've never done it B4 Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
@mean_spice: [at a child's birthday party] Lady: which one's yours? Me: uhh, that one L: that's my daughter M: *grabs the cake and runs*
@BuckyIsotope: Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he's losing at Risk.
@RandiLawson: Did U hear they're remaking 'Dirty Dancing' & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.