No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
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My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
yeah not falling for this one
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”