At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.