Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.