*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.