[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning