*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
So glad we cleared that up
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.