[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???