[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.