[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great