[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome