[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.