[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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I don鈥檛 want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it鈥檚 going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I鈥檓 really into feet you guys
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Do not steal food from the science building!
馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
this FaceApp is creepy af
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Sometimes I don鈥檛 even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I鈥檓 pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you鈥檙e not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again