I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
No regrets in 2018
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.