[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
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me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢