*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Waiting for the Charmin
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back