*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
#parenting
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.