My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
#dalle2
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane