*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.