*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Bootstraps
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.