[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Fight
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.