[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy