at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.