[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
fourth time’s the charm
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.