[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Mhm.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think