When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
me and who
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.