[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”