[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
There’s always that one guy
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.