[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
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[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’d … I’d rather not.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me