At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”